Things that were evidently lacking in the original Miracle on 34th Street, but rectified in the 1994 version
1. Santa’s just not Santa unless he’s four feet tall. And the huge gap between his yellow front teeth adds some real authenticity. We all remember fondly the gap-toothed Santa Coke ads from the 30s.
2. Cute little 8-year-old Susan, delivers the new line: “Santa is the end of the parade anyways. There’s nothing else to see except guys cleaning up horse poop. And that doesn’t thrill me at all.”
Adorable. This sets the tone for the entire movie.
3. During the parade, creepy stalker Santa spots Susan in her penthouse window 50 floors above him with his bionic vision, and waves at her. Susan backs away from the window in horror.
4. They took out the whole disturbing divorce scene—-you know, where Susan Walker tells Mr. Gailey her mom’s DIVORCED, and they pull in real tight on his face to show his horrified face as he coughs and spits out his pipe in shock—-because nowadays, who cares! Now everyone in the film has been divorced at least once.
No, instead of something as commonplace as divorce, Susan “doesn’t have a dad anymore”!!! Oh great! So, what, was he was killed in the gulf war, or did he spontaneously combust? My guess is that since the movie’s trying to be all modern and up-to-date, the reason she doesn’t have a dad anymore is that her dad became her mom! One sex-change later, and Darren Walker is Doris Walker. Ohhhh don’t try and tell me they didn’t discuss this.
5. Macy’s is now Cole’s. Because everybody knows that Macy’s hasn’t done the Thanksgiving parade since—-wait a second, they’ve never not done it.
6. The freaking intimidating Joss Ackland 
as Mr. Landbergh, head of Shopper’s Express, Cole’s competition. Wow. Talk about overkill. You’d know him if you saw him, from movies like The Hunt for Red Oktober (scuse me, I just like spelling it that way), and Lethal Weapon II, and of course The Mighty Ducks. He always plays a menacing European bad guy, and does it extremely well. You’d think he might be the equivalent of Mr. Gimbel from the original, but no, he’s not really. His whole job in the movie is to try to sabotage Cole’s, because with Cole’s out of the way, apparently his store will be the only one left. He has nothing else to do other than this. He has no bright ideas or sales strategies of his own.
I do not know why they felt they needed to convert Mr. Gimbel into a dangerous criminal mastermind in this movie, unless they felt the conspicuous absence of the elements of terror and suspense. So they have Joss say ominous dangerous things like
“I don’t want my plans damaged by an elderly cherub in a red suit.”
and,
“WHY???” slamming his fist down in fury, “WHY didn’t you think of this???”
I expected at every moment that some new and tragic plot twist would present itself, like Santa would be found slumped in the alley behind his store with a bullet in the back of the head—-a “professional hit”. Or else Cole’s would burn down at the peak of the season, when it was full of customers, and the investigation would’ve brought the result of ’suspicious but inconclusive circumstances’. Unfortunately neither of these things happened.
Wait, what? Did I say The Mighty Ducks?
7. Not only doesn’t Susan’s mother believe in Santa Claus, now she also doesn’t believe in God. It just gives me a good, Christmassy feeling that they felt they needed to add that additional facet of her character.
8. Instead of a fire engine, the cute kid on Santa’s lap this time around wants a “patrol frog that swims and blows up”, or some crap like that.
Plus, as the kid leaves Santa, they high-five each other. We want this movie to be MODERN you see. How can we make this cute scene even cuter? Well a high-five is the only answer.
9. Who better to fill the shoes of beloved character actress Thelma Ritter in the role of That Kid’s Mom than Artie Bucco’s wife from The Sopranos? If I were casting director, she would’ve been my first phone call. And in an interesting twist, she’s apparently ticked off at Santa even before he promises him to get the stupid frog toy, cz she gives him all this attitude as she storms over. And in this version, the woman’s not ticked off because she’s been all over town looking for this toy for her beloved child but everyone’s sold out; it’s that she doesn’t love the kid enough to shell out $70 for a present.
9. Then Allison Janney from The West Wing takes over the other half of Thelma Ritter’s part (?) and rats out Santa’s goodwill policy to Mr. Shellhammer. But instead of simply saying she’ll now be a regular Cole’s customer, like in the original, this time she is compelled to add that she’ll come to Cole’s for “everything but toilet paper and bananas.”
This may seem like a minor dialogue tweak, but it really makes all the difference.
10. Susan, instead of being a cute no-nonsense kid, is now a cute-only-because-of-a-speech-impediment annoying kid who says ridiculous things like, “I’m trying to watch my sugar intake,” because apparently people think that kids saying things that grown-ups would say is always funny, even though it almost never is.
11. While the kid’s name is still Susan Walker, and her mother’s name is still Doris Walker (okay, ‘Dorey’), they for some obscure reason found it necessary to change Fred Gailey’s name to Bryan Bedford.
Mr. Shellhammer’s name? Still Mr. Shellhammer. I’m just saying.
12. When Susan pulls on Santa’s beard, instead of Edmund Gwynn’s classic and memorable pained sputter, Richard Attenborough instead opts to squeal like Dom Deluise being goosed on the set of Blazing Saddles. Right! Much better.
13. Instead of being Kris Kringle on his application, this time around he is Kriss Kringle. See, now that is updated. It’s not the old-fashioned spelling ‘Kris’, now it’s the ultramodern ’Kriss’. It’s attention to detail like that that makes this version so close to perfect.
14. Instead of a Dutch girl who speaks no English and worries she won’t be able to speak to Santa, now there’s a deaf girl. See, that too is more modern. In the 40s, there were Dutch people everywhere you looked. Nowadays, there are deaf people. We killed off all the Dutch in the 60s.
Apart from this it’s pretty much the same scene as the original—-oh except for one thing. Upon discovering that the little girl is deaf, Santa panics. He agonizes with himself, with unsure looks and uncomfortable smiles, for roughly half an hour about how he can possibly communicate with this poor little deaf girl.
Then, suddenly, he seems to have a flash of inspiration!
“I know! I’ll talk to her in sign language!”
Dude. If you knew sign language, why did you look so puzzled and uncomfortable for half an hour? Did you forget you knew sign language? Or maybe you forgot deaf people are the ones that use sign language? Or were you just having a stroke?
15. In the new version, Mrs. Walker tells Susan that in order to find out whether Krisss Kringle is the real Santa, she should ask him to give her something that she knows her mother would never get her. And then if she doesn’t get it, she’ll know once and for all that there is no Santa Claus.
Well this is just great. We all know Mrs. Walker only buys Susan sensible, practical presents. So this means the only way Susan will believe in Santa Claus is if on Christmas morning she unwraps like a blimp, or the deed to an island off Maine, or a beer bong or something.
Well what chance does that give Santa? Santa doesn’t exist because he won’t buy her stupid stuff? Come on. Crazy exotic gifts aren’t Santa’s style. I know, because I never got the robot Cheryl Ladd I asked for when I was eight. And again at nine and ten.
But Susan calls this a ‘very clever idea, and thank you very much, Mother’. I call it crap.
16. There’s a montage of Mrs. Walker and “Bryan” walking around through New York City which lasts a good solid 20 minutes. Thanks, New York Tourism Department. All it lacked was a voiceover from Mayor.
17. Now what does Susan want for Christmas in the updated version? Not just a house. No, she wants a family, with a house in the background. “I want this guy to be my father, and this little brother. And if you could change my current mother to this blonde lady, that’d be great. And make me into this little girl, and tint us all slightly red, like in the picture.” (Apparently she cut the picture out of a Good Housekeeping from 1975.)
18. We find out that “Bryan” is pretty needy when he impulsively whips out an engagement ring as an early Christmas present. When Mrs. Walker turns him down, he gives a teary-eyed emotional speech about how he loves her, how he loved her even though he got nothing in return, and loved her daughter as his own.
You know, typical stalker stuff. Now remember that they’ve only been dating since Thanksgiving, the parade, like three weeks ago. I think you’ll agree with me that, okay, it’s time for the restraining order. “I’ve loved you for three whole weeks without getting anything in return!” Yeah, okay, calm down, “Bryan”.
You see how Santa works, Susan? If you rush him, oh, you’ll get your Christmas present all right, and on time, too. So what if your new father turns out to be criminally insane? You didn’t specify.
19. Santa at one point is referred to as ‘numbnuts’. Now, I’ll watch it again to be sure, but I’m pretty positive that didn’t happen in the original.
And the film was the poorer for it.
20. Santa still has a violent temper, of course, that’s a given; but in the new movie he’s gained a little more control over it. In the original it only took a guy being a jerk for Santa to break bad and whip out the lead-tipped cane. But you have to remember that in the 40s, you could punch people, or run over people, shoot people, practically whatever you liked and it was okay, no one would think about suing each other. That wouldn’t be neighborly.
But in the up-to-date version, they had to resort to calling Santa a child molester to get him to lose it enough to break out the walking stick of justice. Yes, you read that right. In a Christmas movie, they call Santa Claus a child molester. It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
21. Judge Henry X. Harper is now simply Judge Henry Harper. Because a middle name beginning with X would be ridiculous. However, to make up for the missing X, now the Judge is a corrupt graft-hungry politician.
Well, we want to keep the movie up-to-date, don’t we?
22. In the new version, the cute kid they put on the witness stand now asks the judge, “Do I have to go to jail now?” Because, aw, isn’t that even cuter. Let’s make the cute kid cuter. Let’s have him ask a dumb cute kid question. That will make it even more cute. Never mind that it’s a question no kid would ever ask. That doesn’t matter, it’s cute after all! Cute cute cute cute cute. That’s what it’s all about. Cute is what will make this movie a new classic.
Cute shouldn’t make me want to beat somebody.
23. When asked to make a reindeer fly to prove he’s really Santa Claus, Santa says, “Well of course I can’t make this reindeer fly. They only fly on Christmas Eve.”
Now of all the lame explanations. And anyone who’s seen the 1964 classic Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer knows that reindeer can fly anytime they want, once they’ve learned how.
They could’ve explained it any number of more plausible ways, like, “Well, not just any reindeer can fly, you idiot.” Or, “This isn’t one of my reindeer, you idiot.” Or, “They only fly when you hook them up to a sleigh, you idiot.” Or, “It takes years of training to get a reindeer to fly, you idiot.” Or, “I got your mother to fly last night.” What’s this ‘only on Christmas Eve’ crap? You can’t just make up things and randomly stick them into the whole Santa Claus backstory whenever it’s convenient for you, and hope no one will notice that they were never there before. You’re stuck with whatever folklore is available at the time. I’m sorry, but that’s the way it is. (Keep quiet, Montgomery Ward.)
24. Oh yes, when the cute little speech-impediment girl stands up in the middle of court and calls the District Attorney a big jerk? Oh that was just precious. What a precocious little child. How cute is that? To stand up in court and call someone a jerk? Awwww that is cute. And she was plenty cute before, it’s just that standing up in court like that made her all that much cuter. Hey, here’s something else that will make it cute. How about after she calls him a jerk, I walk into the scene and start choking her with my bare hands? And to make it look real I’ll squeeze really hard. Hey, what happened, did I black out? No, I didn’t hear you yelling cut. Oh no. Oh no. What a tragedy.
You know what I think would’ve made it even cuter? You know, if they didn’t go for the choking thing? If when the cute girl had called the cute DA a big jerk, the cute judge had thrown the cute girl in a cute New York City jail for 48 hours for contempt of court, with some cute prostitutes and cute drug addicts. Awwwwwwwww now that’s cuuuuuuuute.
25. Instead of the whole rock-solid, iron-clad, ‘the government declares this man to be Santa Claus, so who are we to argue’ defense, they decide to go a new way. Oh yeah. Hold on to something, you know this is about to get good. What did they come up with to top that?
Well here it is. Instead of an argument, “Bryan” makes an impassioned speech. Amid cuts from person to person showing from their tear-filled eyes and rapt expressions how touching this speech is, which is good because we wouldn’t be able to tell from the speech alone, he says things like, “If this is a masquerade, then Mr. Kringle is eager to forfeit his freedom to preserve that masquerade! To subject himself to prosecution! To protect the children’s right to believe!“ And then he sums up with ”Which is worse? A lie that draws a smile? Or a truth that draws a tear?” And, most ludicrous of all, “I rest my case.” In other words, his defense is, “This old man’s crazy enough to go to jail for this, so let’s just say he’s Santa. If we put him away because he’s nuts, some people might be upset! Just this once? It’s Christmas.”
Come on. His defense is basically, “Pleeeease?” I’m no lawyer, but I would’ve thought you might have to bolster your defense with things like, well, the law. You know, dig up some precedents. “Hey, let’s not follow the law today. It’s Christmas.” Oh okay. “Hey, let’s not prosecute this drunk driver. If he’s an alcoholic, he’s willing to get really drunk to be an alcoholic. Besides, everyone he’s killed is dead, and if we put him in jail, his family will be sad. (pause for sad face) It’s the holidays!” “Okay, sure. Three cheers for the defendant! Merry Christmas!”
If you don’t have anything better than that, just stick with the old script. I mean, jeez, the best part of the original movie becomes one of the lowest points of the remake.
And again, I’m no lawyer, and I haven’t read the bill of rights in a long time, but I don’t recall the part about kids having a right to believe anything. I don’t remember kids being mentioned at all. Maybe it was an amendment or something I’m not remembering? Was there a special supplement in Highlights that I missed?
26. Oh yeah, and the sudden flash of inspiration that wins the court case…I forgot. At one point “Bryan” takes out his money clip to accuse the judge of being crooked, and holds up his money clip, loaded with no less than five ones, to drive the point home. The judge couldn’t care less. But “Bryan” at that moment notices his money. And pays attention to it. And the camera zooms into the part of his money that says “In God We Trust”. And we stare at it intently for ten seconds. It’s almost as if we are supposed to consider the significance of that.
Next day, court opens up, the judge is ready to declare Santa Claus a whack job, he picks up his gavel and reluctantly begins to commit Santa to the looney bin, but then—-you guessed it—-on the payroll of “Bryan”, the cute kid comes up, says some things which were probably intended to be cute, but all they made me want to do was smack the kid with all my strength, and hands the judge a dollar. No, it’s not a bribe. I wish it were. The words ‘in God we trust’ are circled in red.
The judge looks at the dollar—and immediately sees the same point “Bryan” hit upon the night before, but couldn’t be bothered to write out and argue for court this morning. In that instant the judge goes from weary, corrupted, cynical judge to born-again, refreshed, renewed adjudicator. You know, “his heart grew three sizes that day”.
The judge stands up and makes his own impassioned speech, eloquently and confidently making the defense’s argument for him, going on about God, and the Treasury Department, and the People, while “Bryan” nods smarmily, as if to say, “Uh huh, yeah, I thought of all that, uh huh,” (although Santa Claus himself looks sort of bewildered, as if he’s thinking, “WTF?”) The judge ends in a frenzied, shouting crecendo of a triumphant and completely incoherent, explanation of his, er, ‘logic’, for want of a better term (sorry logicians). Crowds cheer. Traffic on bridges stop. News reporters are hard at work. People in bars stop drinking.
The gist of his speech is this: ”Since the government prints ‘in God we trust’ on our money, it believes in God. So therefore we should believe in Santa Claus. And this guy might be him, and since we’re believing in Santa Claus anyway, I declare that this guy living in a nursing home is the one and only Santa Claus.”
Oh okay. What now?
So apparently we’re supposed to believe that “Bryan” was so sure that this argument was so obvious and so sure-fire that there was no need for him to actually say anything. Well, I read ‘in God we trust’ at the same time “Bryan” was reading it, and I didn’t get that argument at all. Wow. What confidence. Or what negligence. Either way, it’s bad lawyering, because if he’d just spent two hours writing down his argument he could’ve billed Santa for ten or eleven. You’re not gonna support a wife and two kids in Long Island on an honest lawyer’s salary, bub.
27. In the new version, Mr. Shellhammer is gay. Oh, wait, that’s not different. It’s just hat he had a wife in the first movie and that was throwing me off.
There are a few other things that didn’t change in the new version. Such as, the New York City Superior Court’s docket is still amazingly clear. The whole court case is started and wrapped up within a week.
Also, some 45 years later, department store applications still ask for your Next of Kin. …Well, this is New York, after all.
Also, Santa still has all December to waste sitting around in a department store from nine to five. Either he’s one of those super-organized people who got things done in March and had the rest of the year to goof off, or the man knows how to delegate. Of course, Christmas suffers from this hands-off approach, and this would explain why I didn’t get that 2-XL I asked for in the 70s.
The sad thing is, for the last fifteen years, many people have watched this movie instead of the old one, and assumed it was the same. There are those poor unfortunates, you know, who reject any movie made before 1955 simply because it’s in black and white, and who consequently have never seen Casablanca. And those people, when they were done watching this one, no doubt say to each other, “Wow, that really sucked! I thought Miracle on 34th Street was supposed to be so great!!?!” So while this movie may have been made in a horribly misguided attempt to honor the classic, it instead has done it irreparable harm.
But in this season of giving and peace and goodwill towards men, I really feel I should say something nice about this movie. It’s beautiful looking. Beautiful bright colors and textures and—-it’s just pretty to look at. Everybody looks great, the sets look great, great lighting—-if all that’s called cinematography, they did a great job.
With that part of it.
So, if it comes down to movie time, and you feel that you must watch this movie, go ahead—-just watch it with the sound off.
Merry Christmas
Hopefully the narcissistic writers will see it and weep, and quit their jobs and give up on their dreams and move back to Michigan to work in the cigarette factory where they belong.