Random Thoughts

Typical Random Thoughts in My Brain
Just After a Sudden Conversation
with Almost Anyone I Don’t Know Well,
In Lieu of Just Working Normally

1. What, chemically, is going on in my brain that makes a simple conversation a big deal?
      
2. Why does my brain consider me having a conversation to be a performance?
     
3. I wish there was a medication that would make me relax, but without putting me to sleep later.
     
4. And one that would work all the time, not just for things that I know about fifteen minutes ahead of time.
     
5. Maybe I should try to get back on beta blockers, or whatever those things are called that control adrenaline…I don’t remember them working, but that adrenaline thing sure seems like a good explanation for what is happening.
     
6. Oh no, wait…didn’t I have to take those ahead of time too?
     
7. I wish my hands didn’t shake.
     
8. I wonder if there’re any new medications out.
     
9. I don’t want to go to the doctor.
     
10. I shouldn’t've said [random recollection from conversation] or [random recollection from conversation].
      
11. I got my words mixed up here [random point in conversation].
      
12. Should I try to start a conversation with them next time?
      
13. Yeah right
      
14. I used to be much better at conversing.
      
15. And they say that behavioral therapy is the way to deal with it.
      
16. Yeah, right…I have been like this all my life.  Even as a little kid.  I can still remember socially traumatic things from elementary school.  So I don’t buy into the claim that this social phobia deal is a learned behavior, that I can unlearn it, that I can learn to change my reactions by letting myself be put into social situations.
      
17. I’m sure it’s a chemical thing, or something in my brain that’s just wired wrong.  I’m sure what they mean is, no, they can’t change the way your body/brain reacts to situations, but they can help you practice dealing with the situations.
      
18. But see, the thing is, I don’t want to be social phobic, yet skilled at dealing with it.   I want to not be social phobic.  I want to have a lousy conversation without it being a traumatic event—-which is different from having a lousy conversation which is still a traumatic event but I can handle it well.
      
19. Heck, I could practice dealing with social situations on my own.  The thing is, I don’t want to have to deal with them.
      
20. Wow, that’s the rest of the day wasted.  Time to go home.

This entry was posted on Sunday, February 10th, 2008 at 10:00 am and is filed under Random random thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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