Hem, hem
So okay, show of hands, how many of you have read all the Harry Potter books? Well if you haven’t, you won’t get much out of this. Why don’t you run along and read them all? There’re only six books, so that’s only, what, like 68,000 pages to read? I’ll wait.
Okay, all caught up now? Well, at the risk of being called a huge nerd, I’m currently rereading book 4 which is the one in which the character Dolores Umbridge is introduced. Now if you hadn’t read the books (but if you’ve read this far you have, right?) all you’d have to understand about this Umbridge woman is that I hate this character. Which is of course exactly as J.K. Rowling intended it, you’re supposed to hate her, and cheer when everyone rallies against her. (And that infuriating little “Hem hem” of hers. GRR. We’ve all run into people like this.) But let me just say that J.K., as I call her (she calls me “Steve” for some reason) has done a masterful job of stirring up my hatred. Which, to be fair, is simmering just below the surface on any given day anyhow, but still, to induce me to write in my random thoughts about a character in a book? Well done J.K.
So I was rereading this book, and rehating this character, and remarking to myself about how much of my precious hatred I’m devoting to this fictional character who, I will unnecessarily point out for emphasis, doesn’t exist at all.
Suddenly I think, who will they get to play her? She should show up in the next Harry Potter movie. Unless of course the filmmakers continue with their current trend toward making the movies and the books resemble each other as little as possible.
But assuming they don’t fail to include a pretty major character from the book in the next movie, who should they get to play her? 
The book describes her as squat and short and toad-like, with a hideously wide mouth. That, and this picture from the book, should give you an idea of the physical type we’re looking for. Plus she’s very smug and bureaucratic and loves power and loves to exert her power and loves to be casually cruel and smugly vindictive.
Of course your first thought is Hillary Clinton. But that’s too easy, and besides I see enough of her outside of movies, I don’t need her in the theater with me too. Bleah.
So let’s play Casting Director. What known Hollywood actress could do justice to this horrible disgusting character? If you heard that an actress was playing this character, which actress would make you go, “Yes. Oh yes. That is exactly who should play her.”
I’ve thought of:
• Rosie O’Donnell…but I just dislike her too much in real life to want to put up with her in a movie. Remember when you used to like Rosie O’Donnell? Also, her mouth’s too small to be considered hideously wide.
• Rosanne Barr…uh, no.
• Kathy Bates…well maybe. Yeah, maybe she could do a good job of it. But I dunno, there’s just something too “nice” about the characters she usually plays. Yes they’re always cold and blunt and strong and unapologetic, but they always seem to have something “nice” going on deep down inside. Well maybe except for in Misery.
• Judi Dench…I dunno. She is British, so that’s good…but the characters she usually plays are just grumpy and unpleasant and strong and unapologetic, without being smug and loving power and being superior. But of all the people I’ve come up with, this is the closest I can come.
Any ideas? My wife’s suggestion was “Danny DeVito”. What the–
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