Random Thoughts

1.  Santa’s just not Santa unless he’s four feet tall.  And the huge gap between his yellow front teeth adds some real authenticity.  We all remember fondly the gap-toothed Santa Coke ads from the 30s.

2.  Cute little 8-year-old Susan, delivers the new line: “Santa is the end of the parade anyways.  There’s nothing else to see except guys cleaning up horse poop.  And that doesn’t thrill me at all.”

Adorable.  This sets the tone for the entire movie.

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Just when the light was starting to get dim and it was just about to officially be Christmas Eve, I walked into the bedroom with the mail.  My girlfriend Sherrill was in bed taking care of the new baby.

I put a brown cardboard box down next to her.  “Open this,” I said.

She looked at it curiously, looked at the label, which was addressed to the three of us.  She looked at the return address.  It clearly wasn’t one she recognized.  She looked up at me, puzzled.

“Pennsylvania?”

“Open this,” I said again.

“Why do you want me to open it?”

“Because,” I said, “If it’s from who I think it’s from, if I opened it I’d probably end up crying.”

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From last year, but this is an annual thing.  Since it’s Christmas time again, here are the movies you MUST watch at Christmas, followed by the movies you can watch if you want to, and finally, the Christmas movies you must avoid at all costs.

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Merry Christmas

 Top Ten Whitest Christmas Songs
in no particular order

#10.  Sleigh Ride - Johnny Mathis.

#9.  Feliz Navidad - Jose Feliciano. 
I know the artist was Hispanic, but the people who like this song are always a ghastly shade of white.  Actually you caught me, I don’t really know anyone who actually likes this song.  But if anyone did they’d be white.

#8.  Holly Jolly Christmas - Burl Ives. 
Mostly because the man’s name is Burl.

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THE CHRISTMAS SONG
adam sandler

so many presents
so little time

Santa won’t be coming
by my house this year
cz I tried to drown my sister
and I pierced my ear
oh mama made it perfectly clear
Santa don’t like bad boys

especially Jewish ones!

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The Santa Clause. 
Unless you like jokes about reindeer with gastrointestinal problems.  Oops—-I have mistakenly used the word “jokes” here, because I forgot that “jokes” implies that something is funny. 

I haven’t seen Santa Clause II or III but I assume that nothing’s changed; it is Disney, after all.  How far the mighty have fallen.  Can you remember anything that Disney has released in the past ten years or so that has been good?  Me neither.  I looked up Disney’s current corporate mission statement:

• Disney will make movies.  Lots of movies.  Movies which are as mediocre as possible, because it’s much easier and cheaper and no less profitable to make three bad movies, rather than one good one.   Quantity, not quality.
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4.  Love Actually.
This is an interesting little movie fortified with lots and lots of actors including Hugh Grant, Liam Neeson, Colin Firth, Emma Thompson, Alan Rickman, Billy Bob Thornton, Claudia Schiffer, and Kiera Knightley.  This huge number of actors is necessary because there are about 12 tangentially-related storylines going on at once, all set at Christmas.  The movie is more about love than Christmas, as you might’ve guessed from the title, but it’s still plenty about Christmas. 

Here’re the problems with the movie. 

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1.  White Christmas. 
You’d think it was all about Christmas, but it’s more about the Army and everyone feeling sorry for some old General dude, and way too much 40’s-style dancing and singing.  I especially could’ve done without the Choreography number.  And that one girl has a waist that I swear is the exact diameter of a compact disc.  Eat a sandwich.

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3.  You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out, Kid.
If you’ve never seen A Christmas Story, I’m sure you’d know what movie I was talking about if I called it the You’ll Shoot Your Eye Out movie.  And since I’m sure you’ve seen it, I won’t bore you with the details and just say that you need to see this movie every Christmas.  The more you see it the funnier it is.

We watched this movie tonight with my parents and my sister and my brother-in-law and their year-old kid, Ava.

Here are my favorite parts:

Schwarz creates a slight breach of etiquette. 
During the triple-dog-dare, the narrator says, “Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat.”  The kid’s face during the breach of etiquette bit is perfect—-for a second, he looks just a little bit sheepish, as if he’s embarrassed for not following proper daring procedure.

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